


The Cliff

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Chopper is also hardly here, Gen, My First Work in This Fandom, Neglecting Zeb™, Panic Attacks, Sabine is kind of here, Self Harm, So you know it's not all that good, Suicide, Zeb is hardly here, srsly why is this so popuLAR, very emotional
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 21:17:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13466715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Ezra attempts suicide.





	The Cliff

**Author's Note:**

> TW for mentions of suicide, panic attacks, and self harm.

Ezra stood at the edge of the cliff, looking at the ground.

It was a good forty feet down, it should do the trick, but god, he wished his lightsaber wasn't in three pieces somewhere on Malachor, he could end himself easier that way. 

His long navy blue hair fluttered slightly in the wind.

  
All he had to do was take a step forward.

  
He deserved this.

  
Kanan would still have his sight if it weren't for him, Hera wouldn't always be so concerned about Kanan, Ahsoka wouldn't be dead, Darth Maul wouldn't be at large.

  
Kanan would probably deny that it was Ezra's fault, say it was Maul's, but really, it was his fault. Hera would fake a smile and say that she was just worried about a blockade or an upcoming mission or something, and ask if he wanted to take off his jacket since it was so warm in here.

  
No, he wouldn't take off his jacket, not unless he was alone, preferably with his little knife so he could carve things into his arms and back and belly. _Worthless, Disappointing, Useless, Burden, Wrong,_ To name a few. The most recent was, _It's your fault that Kanan is blind, that Ashoka is dead_.

It had all been carved in one night, when Zeb was deeply asleep, and he'd put his jacket on to hide the words when he was finished, but hadn't stopped the bleeding. It might've simply been because he wasn't thinking correctly, or maybe it was his first attempt.

  
Whatever it was, he passed out from blood loss and he'd woken up to Hera shaking him and a ringing in his ears.  
Kanan asked what had happened. Ezra said something about being really tired, and he pulled his knees to his chest protectively.

  
But Hera saw the bloodstain.

  
"Ezra! Your arm!" She cried, grabbing his arm and pushing the sleeve up. Ezra yanked it away and started crying. "Ezra, please tell us what happened," Kanan tried.

  
Ezra shook his head and jumped off the bunk, though his surroundings spun, and he ran out of the ship. Oddly enough, he was able to outrun not only Kanan and Hera, but Sabine, Zeb, and Chopper. He hid in a cave and cried, big, hiccuping sobs, and then he realised he was at the edge of a cliff.

  
So he walked to it.

  
_They will be so much happier without you,_ was his final thought before he stepped off.

  
They found him just eight minutes later, somehow still alive, and Hera helped him as best she could, dealing with the many wounds from the fall, and she saw the scars.

  
They were gruesome, especially the one from last night, and she could make out every. Single. Word.

  
She and Kanan had a quiet discussion in the hall.

  
Both of them blamed themselves, especially Kanan. Why hadn't he sensed it? He could've helped his padawan. Oh, right. He'd asked Ezra to close off the bond on the way back from Malachor 

to focus. 

  
\- Ezra saw himself lying on Hera's bed, his body wasn't breathing. He was standing next to it.

  
His mother pulled him into a cold embrace.

  
"Ezra, you aren't done here yet. You will change the world, it's not your time to die."

  
_Hera was pumping Ezra's chest._

  
"Change the world? By being a useless, worthless failure who caused death and blinded my master and creates danger?"

  
_Kanan was holding Ezra's nose and blowing into his mouth._

  
"No, dearest, by saving us from the Empire one day, soon. You will help free our people, all people, and start a new Republic."

  
_Hera was pumping Ezra's chest again._

  
"How can I do that stuff if I'm a mess, that causes trouble and danger and pain? The rebellion, my friends, the galaxy, will be better without me."

 

_Kanan was blowing into his mouth again._

  
"Ezra, they love you. I love you. Your father loves you, but he and I can't help you. They can. Trust them. Let them help. You will get better, I swear, and can and you will do all that I predicted, I know you can."

  
"Mom-"

  
"I love you, Ezra."

  
_He breathed._

  
He didn't wake up, but he breathed. Hera shouted in relief and Kanan let out a breath of his own.

  
-  
He woke up two days later. Sabine was on Ezra Duty, though they hadn't called it that.

  
She shouted something that Ezra couldn't quite make out over the loud, loud ringing, but it hurt his ears.

  
"No," he breathed.

  
"What do you mean?" Sabine asked carefully. Her voice, though quieter, still hurt Ezra.

"H-hurts."

  
"It probably does, I'll get Hera to give you some pain medicine."

  
"N-no. You."

  
"Huh?"

  
"Voice. H-hurts me."

  
"Yours or mine?"

  
"Y-you."

  
"Oh, Ezra, I'm so sorry," Sabine whispered, her eyes filling with tears. Mostly relief tears, but Ezra took it the wrong way and started crying himself.

"Ezra!" Hera cried, peering into his line of vision.

  
"It hurts him when you talk loud," Sabine whispered.

  
"I'm sorry, Ezra," Hera whispered. "Can I get you anything, water, food, pain medicine, an extra blanket?"

Oh, huh, he had a blanket over him. He'd never had a blanket before. He hadn't noticed it.

"L-lightsaber?"

Hera's eyes filled with tears too. Then there was Kanan's voice.

"Your lightsaber is gone, Ezra, remember?" Kanan whispered, gently, his voice full of emotion.  
_You're making them all hurt, and he knows why you wanted your lightsaber, and you forgot it was gone, it's making them hurt, you're burdening them, why didn't you die? Why couldn't you have just died and been gone? Relived them of the pain of your burden. But no, you have to survive, make them all cry, make them hurt, making yourself a heavier burden._

"Ezra! Ezra, breathe. Just breathe," Kanan soothed, a different voice, a calming voice, through Ezra's whirlwind of voices screaming at him in his head and his too-fast breathing and the tears.

  
Ezra felt warm arms wrapping around him gently. "M-mom," he breathed, so quietly that they almost didn't hear it.  
Hera let loose the tears that were pooled up in her eyes and Ezra fell asleep in her arms.  
-

He woke up late at night, and Kanan was on Ezra Duty.

"Kanan.."

Kanan didn't say anything, just smiled at him. Ezra relaxed a tiny, tiny bit.

  
After a couple minutes, Ezra spoke again. "C-can I w-write s-s-something? Please?"

  
Kanan thought for a moment, then said, "I don't mean to offend you, or make you... sad, but can I trust you not to hurt yourself with the pen, and to not get up while I'm getting the stuff?"

  
"Yes."

  
"Do you want some food or water or pain medicine or anything?"

  
"No."

  
So Kanan got him a pad of paper and a pen, and Ezra spent the next twenty minutes writing slowly, pausing often, until he fell asleep.

  
Kanan carefully slid the pad of paper out from under Ezra's cheeks, and got Sabine to read aloud what he'd written.

  
_"I jumped off a cliff and I cut those things into my arms and back and belly and legs, because you guys deserve me out of your hair, I'm worthless, a disappointment, terrible, troublemaker, a burden, useless, don't deserve to live, and because Kanan's blindness and Ashoka's death were my fault. But you saw all of that, didn't you.  
I'm sorry for what I've put you through, you were all crying when I woke up for the first time, or maybe it was just the first time I can remember, and I had a panic attack, and I caused you hurt and pain. I remember standing next to myself before that, and Hera was pumping my chest and Kanan was breathing into my mouth, and my mom was there, and she said that I wasn't done, that I was going to take the empire down someday. And then I think you guys got me breathing, because I went back into myself. I- And it ends there." _

__

Kanan looked at the sleeping boy.

  
He was so strong, he hadn't given into the dark side, no, he'd stayed good.

But why was he so wrapped up in whether Ezra gave into the dark side or not?

Maybe he was too wrapped up in trying to teach Ezra about the force and the ways of the Jedi that he forgot to teach him about self love.  
-  
Kanan showed the rest of them the letter.

  
And when Ezra found out he had another panic attack, because he didn't want to pour his heart out to them today like he had last night. He fell asleep in Hera's arms again.

  
When he woke up again, Hera attempted to cheer Ezra up.

  
"You are so strong, you know? You're not a burden, we love you, and we wouldn't want you to ever leave."

  
Her answer was a soft sigh into her chest as she gently rocked Ezra back and forth, lulling him back to sleep.

  
After that, he slept a lot, refused to talk, refused to take medicine. and refused to eat or drink.

  
"Ezra. Please, will you eat something?" Hera pleaded. "I know you're hurting, and I know you might feel like throwing up at the thought of food, or maybe you never want to eat again, but _please_. Or water, you probably have a sore throat, and it'll help it! And you'll feel a little better! Please!"

  
Both of them were crying at this point.  
"And if you don't, I will force it down your throat! Ezra, I know that dying might make you feel better, but I swear, you are _not_ dying on me! And you will take your medicine too, I love you Ezra, we need you, the rebellion needs you, just _please_. Please please please please-"

  
Ezra shakily took the glass of water from her and slowly drank it. Hera hugged him gently.

  
"Thank you."

  
He took some medicine and fell asleep again. And when he woke up, he ate.

  
He began to let his family tell him how much they loved him, which they all did, even Zeb (but not Chopper, not that Ezra was offended by this or anything, he was only a droid.

He ate, he drank, he took his medicine, he walked around the Ghost one day, unassisted.

  
He got to move back into his own room, with a blanket and a pillow.

  
And one day, Kanan sat him down and taught him about self love. Ezra cried for the first time in awhile, and he let Kanan hug him.

  
It didn't happen overnight, it took time for Ezra to realise how much he was loved and needed.

  
The rebellion didn't happen overnight either.

  
But.

Ezra liberated Lothal. He freed his people. His planet.

  
Ezra was there when the second Death Star blew up.

  
He was there through five more years of war.

  
And he helped start the new Republic, he and Sabine got together, and one day he had a wide-eyed daughter named Mare sitting on Kanan's lap, tugging at his beard while his family laughed. 

"I'm glad I lived."

**Author's Note:**

> You are so lucky you got a happy ending.  
> I'm planning to update It's Better To Burn at some point this week, which may or may not actually happen, but I'll try, guys.  
> Come bring down holy hell on me on tumblr @dev-bee


End file.
